


Yellow

by quixotic_scene



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Artists, Depression, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 14:04:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6858001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quixotic_scene/pseuds/quixotic_scene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben and Poe are relearning life and the color yellow</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yellow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ToxicCactus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicCactus/gifts).



> **Prompt:** Ben and Poe are in a well established relationship and attend art school. Poe is a painter and loves creating abstract pieces, he's also quite fond of splattering paint over his partner. Ben sculpts things from clay. Could be one paints/sculpts the other. Or Ben, Poe and their studio mates traumatize a bunch of first years.  
>  No sex please.
> 
> **Summary:** Ben and Poe relearning life and the color yellow

It all starts with Finn and his new found hipster artistic sensibilities.

“Come on man, you’re gonna love this.” Finn is bright and so enthusiastic about everything life. Poe himself is not a bitter man. Does he feel tired? Yeah, occasionally. But to call him jaded? Never. It's just that... Finn’s general exuberance could be hard to handle at times. And maybe he _is_ old, but Poe’s thirty one is not ancient, no matter what Jessika’d said. 

Okay, maybe he is just a _liiittle_ bit bitter.

“I don’t know,” Poe throws the flyer away, “Never really understood art.”

But Finn is so adamant and Rey, well she is Rey. Very likable, naïve, and with a zeal to life that Poe’s never seen before. Probably it’s why Rey fits so well with Finn. Sunny children with their rose gold take on life.

So Poe gives up and finds himself walking around a hipster-y neighborhood on a fine Sunday afternoon. Finn and Rey’s laughter fills the air around him. It’s warm and it feels nice to be just like this. Laughing and strolling around together.

The art gallery is small and unassuming. The tall blonde girl hovering the reception desk is polite and efficient. Something about her is familiar and comforting to Poe. Structure and routines.

“I don’t get this shit,” Finn exclaims almost too loudly in the hushed ambiance of the gallery as they’re standing before an intricate carving made out of copper and steel. Finn is a good guy but like Poe, he too is learning on how to fully integrate himself into the society after years spent on the field.

“Art is not meant to be understood.” A clipped voice comes from behind them. 

A man dressed in black is glowering at Finn. The guy is tall just like the blonde receptionist. He has scars on his face and eyes too dark and an expression too muddled and old for his late twenties appearance. Poe would recognize those look anywhere, in fact Poe is certain that he’s wearing the same expression in his face as well. Eyes that have seen too much, hands that have done too much.

_Restless, like a big, old cat on a prowl. Waiting to pounce._

“I think it’s beautiful though,” Poe tries to diffuse the tension with a smile, "It made me feel... something?" Poe is actually being honest here. The art installation is weird but its sharp and intimidating form is soothed out by the curving alloy. But of course, behind him Rey is already on edge. Finn and Rey has a lot of history together. Whatever gets to Finn, it sure as hell needs to get passed on Rey first.

The guy scowls but stops when another person taps at his arm. “Careful Ren, you wouldn’t want to scare our guests here.” He’s tall too. Poe muses if this gallery is comprised by tall and taller person only.

“I’m Hux. I manage this gallery and this guy here is Ren, he’s our resident artist.” The red haired guy is charming, but like the blonde receptionist and Ren, he too feels familiar to Poe. The gestures, the way they carried themselves. Poe would've known it anywhere. People who're just like him.

“I’m Poe. These two are my friends, Finn and Rey.” Poe shakes his hand and is about to offer Ren his hand as well but decides against it because something about the slump of his shoulder made Poe feels like he’s crowding on a caged animal.

“Navy,” Ren murmurs indistinctively. Poe looks up to him with a smile, “Yes, I am. Or was. Still waiting on the assessment result.” His smile turns rueful.

“You guys are vets.” This time it’s Rey who exclaims loudly. She’s excited now and it’s contagious because Finn starts to smile and giddy. “We’re not. Not yet, I mean. Still on active duty.”

If both Hux and Ren are taken aback by their enthusiasms, then they politely doesn’t show it. Hux is careful in his smile though. “It’s always nice to meet fellow soldiers.”

Just like that, both Finn and Rey warming up easily. Poe is content with following them around while Hux introduces them to Ren’s many sculptures and art installations. Ren is silent besides him although his glowering look softens whenever Poe is so much giving his commentary on his artworks.

Poe rather likes Ren’s company. Finn and Rey are his best friends, but the age gap between them sometimes makes it hard for Poe to keep up with their antics. Ren is silent and calm, and something about him is just so familiar to Poe.

Soon it’s only him and Ren. Poe lets out little jokes that make Ren smiles and Poe likes it, making Ren smiles that is. When they are standing in front of the last installation, some elaborate shape made out of silver and china blue ceramics, like oceans or clouds with an almost floating yellow paper plane above it, that Poe finally sees it, grasps it. He knows that shape, would know the feeling evoked by that folded paper everywhere. 

It’s a summer afternoon in DC where the wind was gentle and the sun was merciful. Two boys were folding origamis out of colorful papers in peace, with bits of jokes and laughter in between before their lips finally met. The Capitol and White House surrounds them with adults busy making plans and fighting, but Poe and Ben were too busy kissing. And his lips were awkward and too wide, but happiness was close and for once Poe’s grief over his mother's death was nothing but a dull ache at the back of his heart.

Poe gasps as the realization hits. “ _Ben…?_ ”

\--

So here’s the thing. 

There was actually nothing between Ben and Poe. Nothing. Except maybe that summer kiss. Poe met Ben when they’re both too young and innocent. It’s only a hazy childhood memories that would probably last for another five summers before adulthood would eventually separate them.

Poe and Ben could have nurtured it into something more. Only, Ben was sent to a private school and then to military academy where he’s cut off from the rest of the world, shaped into an efficient and cold killing machine. Special covert ops team they said, but Poe knows better. It’s a code for disposable teams sent out whenever the higher ups wants to avoid getting their hands dirty. Before, it was a government sanctioned group, but later it evolves into a paramilitary organization used by dirty politicians to wreak havoc, topple a government and ruin a country. 

Senator Organa have fought tooth and nails to have the program shut down and it wasn’t until the allegation of General Snoke’s criminal activities is proven and known that the program’s finally dissolved.

Poe have known about the program, in fact he’s actually in on one of leading the operations to terminate Snoke’s cell of organization. But he was never bothered to investigate further of the program. He’d heard enough to know that what Snoke did was wrong. That and of the heavy speculation of abuse done by Snoke. He met Finn and then Rey who managed to escape from his initiation and that was all it take for Poe to accept the mission. 

Abuse.

_Oh God, oh God_. Poe’s suddenly sick. The file he just downloaded spells out how Ben was under Snoke’s tutelage at the age of fifteen, how Snoke used to be a close friend of the Skywalkers household. How—how he could have been preying on Ben while Poe was actually around...

There are other files as well: results of Ben’s psychological assessment (that Poe tries so hard not to weep while reading), investigation alluding to Ben’s involvement to his father’s assassination (that Poe reads with dreads and pain), and of Snoke’s other projects involving soldiers like Finn and Rey (that actually puts bile of acids on his throat). 

It makes Poe’s own suffering seem small and insignificant. And he couldn’t forget how sad Ben’s eyes were, how he looked like he’s on the verge of fight or flight when Poe finally recognized him. Ben have changed, the warmth of that DC afternoon is lost. But the dark curls, the wide set of lips and his freckles and marks. They are Ben’s.

And Poe is sad, sad and angry. And he wants to call Senator Organa, but he holds himself back. Ben has spent enough lifetime living under people deciding him what to do, and Poe won’t be the one to add on the list.

But Poe can help, maybe. Maybe he can. So that’s why Poe is standing before the gallery door so early in the morning with coffee on his hands. Does Ben like Starbucks, or would he prefer those that are brewed by small independent shops around? And yeah Poe is panicking a little. Thanks small mercies when the blonde receptionist arrives and saves him from mini meltdown.

“You knew him,” Phasma states in a matter of fact way. Her tone brooks no argument and Poe smiles, relieved that Ben has someone like her by his side,

“I knew him, yeah.” Poe fiddles with his cup. Anxious.

“You’re like the color yellow,” Phasma observes. Poe glances at his clothes and finds nothing on his attire to indicate it. If anything, orange is probably his color. His cat BB-8 collar is orange, his favorite t-shirt is also orange colored. 

“I’m not … opposed to yellow?” Poe is confused. Then Phasma laughs and pats his shoulder as she starts to prepare for the day.

\--

Turns out Ben is more of a tea person. 

So Poe hands him a cup of steaming chai on his next visit. Ben scrunches his brows when he sees the scrawl of his name on the cup. “My name is Ren.”

It’s not the first time Ben’s telling him this. Poe wonders if this is some sort of coping mechanism or something. “I’ll be sure to spell the right word next time.”

Ben – no, Ren is silent but he sips on his chai, so Poe considers it as a small victory. The park is half empty with only a couple of passerby and joggers around. They sit in the bench overlooking the trees and greenery. It feels nice to be here as Poe waits patiently until Be—Ren finally speaks. “It’s… okay. If you want to call me Ben.”

Ren is not shy but he ducks his head whenever he talks with Poe. Like he's unsure and uncertain around him. Which is weird, because Poe has seen him interacting with his patrons and people who are genuinely interested on his arts, and he always looks poised and not withdrawn. Poe is worried if he’s the one doing something wrong here. 

“It’s your name,” Poe shrugs and smiles, “So I will call you whatever you want me to call you.”

Ren looks at him, and Poe remembers how his brown eyes used to widen in excitement and happiness. Ren smiles shyly and Poe likes the looks of it on Ren’s face. “I… I don’t mind actually. It’s just I haven’t been Ben for a long time.”

There’s a stray lock and Poe without thinking tucks it back right behind Ben’s right ear. Ben still blushes so easily and Poe likes that too. “I haven’t been Poe for a while either, so.” Poe maybe, just maybe, exaggerates his grin a little (playful of course) just like their old flirting days

This time Ben doesn’t hold back his snicker. “Jerk.”

“Shut up, punk.”

\--

Poe is very much aware that whatever they have right now won’t be easy. In fact Poe is pretty certain that Ben and easy are not the words that are made for each other. He’s fun alright, and brave. And despite his lanky stature, Ben is actually not awkward. He’s always been lithe and graceful and deadly. But even in their childhood days, Ben has always been reticent about everything until it hits him just right. 

Ben is... it’s hard for him to express his emotions properly. It’s like everything is heightened for him. Reckless, prone to sudden bursts of temper. That’s what Phasma had told him.

Phasma had took Poe aside one day, and Poe had actually been ready for the shovel talk. But instead Phasma was looking at him with sad, pitiful eyes.

“Ren is difficult,” said she, looking non plussed at Poe's roll of eyes. “No. Listen to me. I was with him since he’s first sent to his mission. I was with him when he did things beyond your imagination because Snoke asked him to. He would do anything for Snoke, for his approval. I was with him in the aftermath, when Snoke is killed. It's not pretty. We should've been relieved, free. But we're lost. Ren took it the hardest. For months, he was angry and sad and dead inside.”

Poe really didn’t like the implication behind those words.

“Ren thinks highly of you,” Phasma continued, her fingers tapping restlessly, “The three of us, we're the only thing left for each other for a long time.

“Snoke favored him the most. It was both a blessing and a curse.” Phasma took a deep breath and clenched her fists. “He – Snoke I mean, didn’t touch his favorites. He wanted them pure and machine like. Ren's safe in a way. But Snoke was also the hardest on him. Corporal punishment, admonishment. Saying things like how he’s saving Ren from impurities and how he’s precious and good, yet he wouldn’t even let any of us use Ren’s real name. Wouldn’t let anyone got close to Ren. He wouldn't let any of us acknowledge him. Ren was untouchable but also unwanted. Snoke made him feel insignificant. Probably why Ren always strives for his approval. Whenever Ren failed his mission, he always took it to the extreme to punish himself.”

Poe was shaken and his heart hurt, not just for Ben but for Phasma and Hux too. “Are you, do you nee—”

“Quiet. We’re not talking about me and Hux,” Phasma answered calmly. A beat and just like that, the faint glimpse of weakness was gone from her eyes. And it was steel as she looked at Poe with determination, “Don’t fuck this up, Dameron. It's been years but I’m still good with my hands.”

That’s okay. Poe can work with that. So Poe starts to carefully tangle his fingers with Ben whenever Ben is alright with that. Tries his hardest not to forget bringing Ben the exotic blends of teas from the corner store nearby his apartment. And he waits when Ben is quiet and withdrawn. 

And when Ben kisses him for the first time, Poe tries to be gentle and savors the green tea flavors that linger on his Ben’s mouth. Ben is timid and careful, tensed as Poe leans forward to push his lips against Ben’s.

“Tell me what you want,” Poe asks patiently, his fingers card over the tresses of Ben’s hair. This is easy, this is gentle. Ben inhales shakily and he tilts his head to Poe's waiting hand, trembling. “Kiss me… please.”

And Poe surges to kiss him, gently so gently like the way the waves slowly return to the shore. Like he’s coming home.

\--

BB-8 is probably Poe’s most treasured possession.

No, not possession. BB-8 is more than a pet, he’s Poe’s companion for life. BB-8 purrs and colonizes Poe’s lap whenever Poe is anxious. He curls on Poe’s legs when the jitters come and when Poe’s sad days linger, BB-8 bothers him so much until Poe is forced to move out of his bed and shower. 

So understandably, Ben’s first meeting with BB-8 is important for Poe. Finn doesn’t understand why it matter so much for Poe. But then Poe points out how Finn was fretting all day when Slip visited him and met Rey for the first time. Rey rolls her eyes affectionately as the light bulbs make its appearance on Finn’s mind.

“You like him,” Finn smiles goofily. 

Of course Poe likes Ben, he’s almost offended. Poe is not so blind to his own feelings and Ben well, Ben has his own charm. Poe likes his self-deprecating sense of humor, like how his hair turns bluish black or reddish black under the right lights. Poe likes him so much he’s content being with Ben for the rest of his life just like this, more than friends yet not quite lovers.

Poe likes him so much and oh. _Oh_.

Well.

“Am I… interrupting something?” Ben asks from the entry way. 

Finn jumps to greet him because Poe is still reeling on the knowledge. “No, no come in. Poe is just being slow like usual.” Finn is grinning and Rey is cackling loudly.

And Poe. He’s smiling like he’s seeing Ben for the first time all over again. Poe knows how dumb he looks right now but he doesn’t care. Impatient, BB-8 leaps from Poe’s hold and finally makes his appearance to Ben as he meows loudly from the floor. He’s sitting and looking up to Ben, as if assessing him.

And Ben well, he’s unreadable. “Poe? Is this--?”

Poe’s smiling like a fool because BB-8 is now curling on Ben’s legs. “He’s BB-8.”

“Oh.” Ben scoops down and cradles the orange tabby carefully on his chest. BB-8 nuzzles to his dark coat and Ben doesn’t seem to care of the hairball that will decorate his clothes later. “Is this normal for him? Hux told me that your cat is an abomination.”

Hux once had the luxury of getting his hand scratched by BB-8’s paw when he’s running an errand of delivering Ben’s art supplies through Poe. He doesn’t care if BB-8 dislikes Hux, but it matters to him how BB-8 is warming up to Ben.

“BB-8 is the sweetest creature I know, and…” Poe feigns an offended look, “I think he likes you.”

Then with a burst of confidence, he adds with a smile, “And I like you.”

Ben is red all over. He’s cute like that. Behind them, Rey is now giggling. Giggling! Rey’s not known for giggling unless something really funny or cute is happening. 

“Oh. I… I li-” Ben is still blushing and he struggles to let his words out. Poe pulls him down gently, BB-8 snuggles between them as their foreheads touch. “Hey, hey. It’s just me. This okay?”

“Yeah… yeah.” The way Ben is timid and sweet and hesitant, it brings Poe back to that late summer afternoon. Poe likes Ben and it’s not world shattering. It’s just is. It’s like a longtime coming. “Can I kiss you?”

“… Please.”

And Poe kisses him so sweetly and softly. Like the first rain in spring, and like the way a freshly laundered blanket feels.

Both Finn and Rey wisely take their time in the kitchen for the next ten minutes.

\--

Senator Leia Organa calls him on a fine Sunday evening.

Poe is not surprised. He has anticipated such courtesy to appear sooner or later. After all, the position of Speaker of House of Representatives carries a lot of power. And while Poe is coming from long lines of Damerons who serve as Generals and soldiers; Skywalkers, Organas and Solos are a whole different ballpark. 

“Good evening Senator,” Poe greets politely.

“Poe,” Leia sounds amused and Poe is flooded with mix of affection, respect, and now, gratitude. Because Leia is the one who’s brought Ben into this world. Leia's also a mother figure to Poe. It's always easy between them. The talk about DC politics, updates on Leia's recent endeavor comes easily. And of course eventually, Ben.

“How is he?” Leia asks quietly. Ben’s involvement to Snoke’s ring of crime is not widely known. The expose of Snoke’s activities under an organization that is sanctioned officially by the government has put enough shame for the current administration. All the mission that Ben and his team did would never be exposed. The public fallout would be too big to handle. That, and it also help that Ben's uncle, Luke Skywalker as the current Secretary of Defense, has exerted his influences to ensure the partyies involved stays concealed. It’s not so much as a saving face maneuver, Ben and others are as much as victims, having taken and isolated from their families at such early age. 

Right now Leia is trying to pass a new bill concerning the availability of interventions for veterans’ trauma healing. She may have missed her chance of being a good mother to Ben twenty years ago, but she wouldn’t let her current chance to be blown again. Poe is thankful for that.

“He’s… he’s doing better.” It’s not exactly a lie. Ben _is_ becoming better. It’s only yesterday that Ben's excitedly showing him bits of his current projects. His workshop was a mess, but it’s a happy and delighted mess. Scraps of metals and clay and Poe watched him molding and folding the materials into something. Ben is doing better and that makes Poe happy.

Poe knows that there’s more of Ben than his constant complaints of being tired. He knows Ben is having nightmares, because Poe too is having one of those every now and then. 

“I’m glad.” Poe can see her smiles through the static of his phone. “I hope you’re okay too Poe. I know Kare’s death have been rough on you.”

Poe doesn’t know how to answer that, so he smiles and grins just because. “I have Ben. I’ve never been better.”

If anything, Ben probably has it worse than Poe, because well Poe is pretty lucky to have Ben and Finn and Rey and BB-8, and his squad to keep him grounded.

Ain’t that the truth.

\--

It’s Monday. It’s raining. It’s just seem appropriate to feel a little bit down and sad. Poe’s been talking with Jessika and checking up on her when the feeling sinks. It’s not right. His coffee is not as warm as he wants it to be. The music is not cheerful enough to lift his spirits and he’s fatigued and just wants to curl up all day with BB-8 by his side.

And that’s how Ben finds him three hours later. The rain is pitter pattering by the window glass and Poe smiles to Ben because things get better somehow with Ben around. BB-8 meows at him and curls on his legs as if asking him to join Poe on the bed. Poe scoots over until Ben is settled before him, until Poe’s chest is against his back.

Ben is timid and hesitant, Poe feels it from the way he moves around within Poe’s embrace. He’s still but then he makes up his mind, determined. He rolls over until they are face to face. 

“Okay?” This time it’s not Poe who’s asking. It’s Ben asking him if Poe is alright. And that. That actually makes Poe’s eyes glazed a little. 

And then he breaks. He doesn’t know why he’s crying. He’s not supposed to be crying damnit. He did good, he _is_ good. He’s alive, unlike Kare whose body was never recovered. He still has his career, people who loves him. Comrades who respect him. He’s not supposed to be sad or broken or crying over things. 

But Ben holds him through the sobs, pulls him closer to his chest. And Poe. Poe feels bad. Because he’s supposed to be strong one in this relationship. But it feels so good, so nice to have someone asking him how’s he’s holding up. It feels good to be cared for. It feels good to know that Ben is here to catch him from his fall.

“Yeah,” Poe croaks, embarrassed with the way his voice catches in his throat, but no, not really because it's Ben. “Yeah… I’ll be okay, I think.”

Ben tucks his head to hide on Poe’s chest this time. But it’s Poe who’s warm and safe. “Good. Good…”

They fall asleep with the sounds of rain and BB-8 curling by their feet.

\--

Poe’s therapist decides that Poe needs to start a new hobby to alleviate his depression. Ben’s therapist concurs with the prognosis because a) it will be good for Poe’s mental health, and b) because at the moment, Poe’s wellbeing is concurrent to Ben’s own emotional state. And because Poe would to anything for Ben, he starts taking painting lesson from Hux. 

Whom he ignores over a fantasy involving Ben and that sturdy work bench on his workshop.

“Dameron, stop daydreaming about Ren.” Hux snaps at him and Poe answers him with a goofy smile. He knows he’s useless. He’s smitten and head over heels for Ben.

Today though, he’s supposed to be focusing on Hux. They’re at his studio where Hux would be teaching him how to paint still life. Hux’ studio is located above his gallery. It’s vast and filled with all different kinds of arts. There are easels and canvases, charcoals and clay, with paints, brushes and palettes strewn all over his working table. It’s also light and airy, and comfortable.

“Well. Ren is far more interesting than that yellow sunflower you made me paint.”

“Honestly, you and Ren are made for each other,” Hux actually throws his hands to the air, unknowingly proving Finn’s point about him being over dramatic.

“I still don’t get you and Phasma obsession with the color yellow.” Poe grumbles as he add more, well what do you know, the color yellow over his mixing palette.

Hux does not answer immediately, too busy fixing details on his own painting. And Poe would’ve forgotten about it had not Hux finally exclaims, “It’s because of Van Gogh.”

“Huh?”

“Van. Gogh.” Poe scoffs because as much as an art novice as he is, of course he knows Van Gogh.

“Did you know that Van Gogh died because he consumed too much yellow paint?”

Poe stops at what he's doing and stares at Hux. “You’re lying.”

Hux doesn’t take away his attention from his painting, but he does continue, “Yellow is the color of happiness. It’s why Van Gogh used it so much on his painting. It’s also said that Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. It’s dumb, but I guess, if you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possibly work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, then you are going to do it.”

It’s both sad and morbid. But Poe can sort of understand the reasoning.

This time Hux is putting down his brushes and palette, and he wistfully looks out to the window view. “When we are discharged from the military, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves. Snoke’s been in control most of our lives. He was a friend of my family, Phasma’s adoptive father and Ren’s mentor. 

“His death was supposed to be a happy ending. But instead we’re lost. We were only twenty four. We’ve spent almost half of our life under his manipulation. We kept on waiting on his instruction, of what the next mission would be. We’ve killed so much that we didn’t know what the other option would be. 

“It’s... disorienting. So much that it’s probably better to have it end,” Hux looks at his wrist absently and the gesture hurts Poe so much. “Ren never tried. But I think it’s possibly the most fucked up thing. He’s under Snoke’s control so much that he’s losing his free will to even gaining control through suicide. Even five years after, even when he’s dead, his presence still lingers.”

Poe’s throat is clogged and his heart breaks once again. 

Later that night, when the moon is high and everything is quiet, Poe brings Ben a bouquet of yellow roses. 

“Not that I’m complaining, but what’s the occasion?” asks Ben, when they are both cozy and relaxed on the couch. Ben’s socked toes sneaks under Poe’s thigh easily, comfortable. 

“Nothing,” Poe leans over him and kisses him sweetly on the cheek. “You being here, it’s just make me so happy.”

Ben doesn’t let anything show. But he does burrow himself closer to Poe.

\--

Kes Dameron comes to visit just before the Thanksgiving holiday. Poe always goes home for Thanksgiving but this year he might not have the time because he will need to do a follow up on his assessment to clear all his permission. So Kes takes the matter on his own hand and decided to leave Annapolis for New York to visit. Kes knows Ben from his childhood days, knows what happened to Ben because he’s one of the few who actually knows the details and stuff. Kes probably knows that Ben killed his own father.

Poe is anxious and worried. even if both Ben and him never really puts a label on their relationship, Kes’ blessing to whatever is that they have would mean everything to Poe.

People always commented how Poe is the split image of Shara, and they are not wrong. Because Kes Dameron is tall and gruff and intimidating. But like Poe, Kes is also warm and a family man. Kes is the glue that keeps the Damerons together. He chats with the abuelos and regularly checking up on his nephews and nieces. After Shara’s passing he’s the one pushing Poe to stay connected with his mother’s family. Poe thinks that he’d even check with Ben if Ben was reachable back then.

Ben also remembers Kes and surprisingly Ben doesn’t show any restlessness or anxiety on meeting Poe’s dad. Poe is half offended and half happy about it. Poe knows he’d be such a wrecking ball if he ever meet Ben’s uncle Luke or Chewie. 

They have dinner together and Ben helps Kes doing the dishes. Kes wisely keeps all the details of Ben's past to himself. 

Oddly enough, Kes takes an interest on Ben’s artworks, so much that Kes visits Ben’s workshop the next day without Poe. And Poe is worried, but he trusts both his dad and Ben, so he does nothing. He does breathe a little better when Kes proudly shows him a small miniature of Trojan horse. It was Ben’s. Poe knows it because he’d watched Ben mold and shaped the clay into its shape.

On Saturday morning, Poe and Ben takes Kes to JFK. Afterwards on a sudden whim they decided to explore the city. November is a bit chilly but it’s still nice to be walking around together. Besides Ben’s fingers are warm and nice as they wrap around Poe’s.

They make a visit to MOMA and ends the day at Central Park. It’s already late when they arrive at secluded corner where they had once spend their day together back when they're children. Ben is quiet and he pulls Poe down to sit next to him. They lean on each other as Ben fiddles with his scarf. “Your dad is a great guy.”

Poe senses that there’s something more to it so he stays quiet and wraps his arm around Ben’s shoulder to keep him warm.

“I --,” Ben is trembling and his shoulder shakes. “I killed my dad.”

Poe is still but he doesn’t let go, doesn’t try to push. He’s just there. For Ben. He rubs his back, this tall and broken boy who’s trying to be brave and just live with all his sins.

“I killed him.” This time the agony is here. Dampness starts to spread over Poe’s shirt collar. “Snoke, he… he a - asked me to, and I didn’t say no.”

The words are muffled and breathless, like Ben is trying to come up with air. “I could’ve said no. Hux would’ve been the one to do it but…” A sob, so broken and hateful. “I … wanted to.” 

Poe holds him a little tighter. “I hated him for leaving, for never bother to look out for me. For not seeing what Snoke did to me. I HATED HIM and I pulled the trigger… 

“And I was wrong.” It’s dark and sharp and empty. And Ben is crying with such anguish. “I still see his face in my dream and he’s sad, so sad.

“He’s broken. And he’d never knew how much I… I love him,” Ben is shuddering and he’s out of breath. He shakes and Poe feels his heart clenched. “I did that to him. Tell me Poe, HOW CAN HE FORGIVE ME?” Ben’s eyes are unseeing as he struggles to get away from Poe’s grip, but Poe won’t let him. “I'M HERE AND HE'S NOT. I NEED TO FIND HIM. I NEED--LET ME GO POE. LET ME GO!”

Ben is struggling with all his might. But Poe won’t budge. Poe won’t let him get through this alone. “I won’t let you go. I’m never going to let you go, Ben,” Poe is fierce and unmoving. For Ben. “Snoke made you do it. He manipulated you, he conditioned you to do as he bid! And I won’t let him break you again, I won’t! Not on my life!”

Poe’s seen how Ben is constantly restless and uncertain. Snoke’s been controlling his life so much that Ben keeps on looking for signs and approvals on everything he does. It bleeds out from his sub consciousness to manifest in Ben’s behavioral pattern. Much like how their kiss usually happens with Ben being timid and wanting and Poe encouraging him to be more open, to leave the reluctance and just let himself feel good whenever they are together. 

But knowing and forgiving oneself are two different things.

Ben is crying again. But he’s doesn’t try to fight for now. Poe knows that this is not the end. There will be more therapies. For Ben and for himself. There will be more episodes like this to come. And maybe an even worse ones. 

But Poe will never let go.

Not on his life.

\--

Poe is good with waiting. Or so that’s what he’d like to tell himself.

Poe knows his limits, is aware of his endurance and things that could break him. Poe is logical and level headed and that’s why he’s the leader of his team. Rey told him that he's also good with taking care of people. Compassion, family, and integrity. Those are the values ingrained by his parents.

He's very obviously not a saint but all things considered, he'd like to think of himself as a decent and reliable guy. He's pretty lucky too. He has a family, friends like Finn and Rey whom he adores and Ben.

Ben who is brave and brilliant. Who pushes himself everyday to go beyond his limit. Who dares to live even when he’s at his bleakest point and is. Just. Amazing.

Who happens to be sexy as hell.

Who happens to also be a virgin because of his emotional baggage.

An unfortunate situation which obviously makes Poe’s sex life more difficult.

Fuck Snoke.

Maybe it’s spring. Or maybe it’s just Ben being his tall and dark sexy self. But it doesn’t change the fact that after overcoming his depression, Poe’s appetite for sex now has come with a vengeance. And he feels guilty, because he’s so afraid of projecting and ends up pushing Ben to do things beyond his boundaries. He loves Ben so much, he’s willing to have his trustful right hand as his only companion.

Which probably half lies and half truth, because well, Poe is still a man. But Poe would kill himself first than to make Ben feels obliged to tend to Poe’s sexual needs.

“We can go further, you know.” Ben gasps from under him. He’s flushed and his hair is spread like a halo. So it’s understandable that Poe’s losing his ability to think clearly.

Hence his unintelligible reaction. “Um, what?”

Ben pulls him down and rolls his hips to make a point. Wow. That’s okay. That’s amazing. In fact it’s so amazing that Poe can’t help but to reciprocate. Ben opens his legs and wow that’s. 

Hot. Hot and also warm. Loving. Patient. And Poe may or may not be emitting the most shameless moan that would probably sounds more like a dying whale than a sexy mating call. But Ben though, he’s making sexy little grunts that makes Poe losing his damn mind.

But. But okay. Hux in a tutu, Phasma sharpening her knife, Senator Organa in gold metal bikini. Focus, focus Poe.

“Sweetheart, sweetheart hold up.” But Ben doesn’t listen. He keeps on rolling his hips almost desperately, that Poe has to take his wrists and hold them over his head to make a point. Ben gasps and his eyes fluttered close. Making things… hotter, no no, definitely not hot. Worse. Stop. This is bad.

So Poe disengages himself carefully while still holding Ben’s wrists in one hand, as his other hand cups Ben’s face. “Sweetheart, stop. What’s the rush?”

He kisses Ben’s face softly and all over until Ben finally calms down. And Ben is blushing and he’s embarrassed and probably a little bit humiliated, and yeah maybe Poe is a dick. But.

Another kiss and Ben is coming out of his shell. “I just… I just want to be good for you.” And Poe is breathless all over because Ben. Is. Just. Amazing.

“You are good. The best,” Poe kisses him again, “Only for me. You don’t need to push yourself because I’m willing to wait.”

“Well I... I don’t want to wait anymore,” Ben says and he is calm and certain. He looks at Poe with clarity and this is the Ben from his childhood days. The one who was brave (still is) and adventurous and made Poe chasing after him all the time. The one Senator Organa came home to and remembers. The one that made his dad proud.

“I’ve decided. I’ve decided that I have enough hiding, I want…” Poe waits and he is smiling. His Ben so brave and beautiful. “I want to live, and try everything. With you.”

Poe is overcome with such love. With devotion. And he swears that he’d move mountain and flip the universe there and then, if Ben is so much asking him to. “Anything. Anything for you, sweetheart.”

And they kiss once again. Slowly, gently because they are here together, learning everything once again. It’s exhilarating, it wonderful.

It’s everything.

\--

Poe leaves for his first mission after a year off duty with a heavy heart. Poe and Ben rarely argue but when they fight, it’s explosive and destructive.

Poe has tried to rein his temper because Ben’s still so delicate. But anxiety and frustration over his delayed mission makes it hard for Poe to think through all the things he said when he’s angry.

It all started with Ben being difficult and indecisive over their dinner. No, it actually started days before that, with Poe being hard to read and closed off because it’s almost two years anniversary of Kare’s death. Ben had tried to coax him out, to make him feel at ease as best as he could. But it's not enough. Poe had been wanting his undivided attention, despite Ben being busy preparing for his next exhibition. He wanted Ben to notice how the spot over Kare’s dying’s still tender and sore. Nothing seemed to be right.

And when it took more than a half hour for Ben to decide where to go for dinner, it made him snape on him. There were shouts and angry yelling, and it end when Poe told Ben how this would be avoidable if he would only made up his damn mind and stop being indecisive.

Wrong.

Poe should be the one to really know how hard it is for Ben to say what’s on his mind, and not just, not just following orders. 

Wrong. 

The morning of Poe’s leaving, Ben’s withdrawn and silent. And it’s all Poe’s own damn fault. 

As it turns out, the mission is also a mistake. It takes two weeks for Poe and his team to finally complete it. Not to mention that they had to pretend to be MIA for a week to distract the enemy. And all the time Ben never strays too far from Poe’s mind.

The flight from Heathrow to JFK feels like years away. Poe’s heart is unsettled, worrying and anxious despite Finn’s assurance that Ben is alright and fine. Poe knows that Ben is not a damsel in distress, far from it in fact. But still, the way they never really say goodbye. And the way Ben was left with such hurt, it made Poe’s heart hurt too.

“You’re turning him into a mess,” Finn had told him over the phone, “I’d be watching back my over Phasma’s knife, if I were you.”

Which would be a fair warning, as Poe’s messed this up so bad.

Once he lands, Poe immediately takes a cab and calls Ben repeatedly. The calls are left unanswered. He tries for their apartment to no avail. Poe’s worried. 

Phasma takes his call on the first ring. And threatens to kill Poe if Ben is ever so much as crying over Poe again. After many repeats of oath and swears, Phasma is finally letting him know that Ben’s there, at the gallery, preparing for his next exhibition. Which was delayed on the first time because Ben was hurt and sick over Poe.

And now he’s here. In front of Hux’ gallery, praying to all the deities he know to make everything alright once again.

He expects for Ben to hurl random inanimate things on him as he opens the door, he expects to find Ben crying and hurting. But what he doesn’t expect is the so many yellow paper planes hanging over an art installation that resembles a tree. It’s…

Beautiful. Amazing, and joyous. Happy.

“You’re here,” Ben says so softly. He looks a bit gaunt and pale, but healthy. There are still sparks on his eyes. And Poe wants nothing but to hold him tight and never let go.

“Ben, I…” 

Ben lifts his hand to silence the plea resting at the tip of Poe’s tongue.

“Stop. Please I… I need to say this,” Ben looks at him with such determination, and Poe is afraid that he’s ruined everything. “I’m hurt over what you said to me, Poe. But I am more hurt over the fact that you’ve said nothing about Kare’s death anniversary. I want – I want to help you. To be there for you, and I – I want you to help me too.”

Ben is close to crying now and Poe is there in a flash to hold him tight. “Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I wasn’t being fair to you. I’m sorry I left you out, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Ben wraps his arm around Poe. And it’s warm and safe and Ben. 

“Poe, I’m not perfect and I can be difficult, but I’m here. For you.” When Poe steps back, looking into Ben’s dark eyes, there’s worry and sadness. But there’s also love. Poe only hopes that Ben sees the same things reflecting on his eyes as well.

“Forgive me?” Poe says softly and Ben nods his head, running his hand through Poe’s curly hair. 

“I already did.” Ben kisses him so gently and Poe clings to him this time, returning the kiss desperately. “God, Ben. I love you.”

“I know,” Ben whispers against Poe’s lips, “I love you too.”

Something eases in Poe’s chest. And it expands and multiply and warm.

And it’s all yellow.

Happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This is my first time posting on AO3, so I apologize for any formatting issue  
> 2\. Points for reader who can identify which other fandom made its presence here  
> 3\. The Van Gogh thing is actually a quote taken from tumblr. Not mine  
> 4\. @Thefouthwall, I hope you enjoy this! I'm sorry I can't be as verbatim as your prompt. My muse was running wild and I have to rein it in order to keep myself not straying from your prompt /o\


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